Marriage Sunday

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Well, good morning, Christ Church. It's so good to see you today. We're gonna have some fun today. Is that okay? Good. Normally, I like to keep things pretty uptight, but today I'm gonna. We're gonna have some fun and laugh and learn and grow together. But just right before we do that, I want to give you an update on our building project. [00:00:26] Speaker B: So. [00:00:26] Speaker A: Yeah. So thank you for praying. We did get a couple permits back this week. Yeah. So that's good news. We got one that's good to go, and then we got two back that need some small revisions, so those then will get resubmitted. So things are moving along, but keep praying. All right, church, we're on the goal line here, but we need a good play to, you know, to get in the end zone, you know what I'm saying? Trying to think of something more inspiring than that, but it fell flat. But we're almost there, so please keep praying for that. And today we're gonna do a special teaching on marriage. We're breaking our Jonah series just for this week. Normally every February, I like to do a marriage or relationship series, but just because of the transition time, we didn't do it. But we still wanted to get something on the calendar. And so Mark and Becky Pollack are gonna come and join me, and you guys can come up right now. Give them a round of applause. [00:01:41] Speaker C: I hope I don't say anything stupid. [00:01:45] Speaker A: We're all praying for that. [00:01:46] Speaker C: Don't worry. All my friends laughing. Yeah. [00:01:51] Speaker A: But let me tell you just a little bit about Mark and Becky. So they've been married for 38 years this September. Three children, Randy, Carly, and Marky. Two grandkids and one on the way. It's pretty exciting. Yep. Mark served in the army for three years and was a firefighter in North Royalton for 30 years. Yeah, pretty cool. And Becky went to Ohio State. Oh, Iron man. And for 27 years was a phys Ed teacher at Strongsville. They've been members of christ church since 1988. Wow, that's pretty impressive. Serving in marriage ministry since 2000 and have done so much good work in our church. You guys have been there much longer than I have, and I have seen these guys invest in couples decade after decade in our church. Couples that are struggling or couples that want to grow. Mark, I've seen you invest in the men in our church all the years that I've been here. And one of the ministries that has really grown a lot is our Forge ministry, which now we have a chapter here at west but you guys have done so much good work in this church, and I just want to say thank you for that. Thank you for your faithfulness. Yeah, it's a really cool thing. Am I a little loud right now? Yeah. More than usual? No. Okay. Because I want to be able to yell at you and stuff, and I [00:03:36] Speaker C: just don't want to swear. [00:03:37] Speaker A: Yeah, please. [00:03:38] Speaker C: I like. [00:03:40] Speaker A: We'll keep the bar small words. Yeah, sure. But today we're going to talk about marriage. And I want to open with this verse from Ephesians. It says this. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife. The two shall become one flesh. The mystery is profound, and I'm saying it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And just as we talk today, I think these verses are just a great umbrella to think about marriage. Number one, you know, Paul says that marriage is something that God has created, that the Lord has wisdom and intent and purpose behind it, and also that it. It's not ultimately just about our happiness and our fulfillment, but it's about knowing God in a deeper way. That's part of what Paul's saying. And so God has a purpose in all of this that is deeper than sometimes what we think about or realize. But then the second thing about these verses that I think is so helpful is sometimes the Bible has an amazing way of saying something really succinctly, saying something that is so helpful, but in a very succinct way. And notice what Paul says. He says, hey, wives, respect your husbands, treat them in a way that they feel respected. And husbands treat your wives in a way that they feel loved. And sort of. Those are very easy to remember ideas. But I find that whenever marriages get in a bad place, if you just start there and say, all right, am I acting, guys, in a way that makes my wife feel loved, experience love, A lot of good things just flow out of that. And so just kind of, as we talk about a lot of different things and a lot of ideas today, I just want to encourage you to. To think about that, to keep that in mind, to use that as kind of broad categories. And I think it will be helpful. Now, if you are here today and you're not married and you're like, man, I wish I would have watched online today. I don't want you to feel like that just for two reasons. Number one, if that's something you want to be married one day, then these are Good things to think about. Now. It's also good to have a realistic expectation of marriage, that it's not good if you're unhappy today. A spouse isn't going to make you happy. You with me, Church? Marriage is awesome. God made it. But it's not what the movies say, you know, where all of a sudden now everything in life is fulfilled and we shouldn't look to that. Only God can do that. But so number one, good thoughts on that. Number two, if that's not in your heart. Cause remember, the Bible says, hey, singleness, marriage is not greater than singleness. God has a purpose in both of those things. But you can be kind of an encouragement and a help to married friends and be praying for them and things like that. So. Sound good, church? All right, now, as we're going, can we throw that number back on the screen? So as we're talking today, the text number, as we're talking today, if you want to just throw in some questions that we can discuss, feel free to just shoot a text. It'll be anonymous. Don't worry. We won't be like, hey, they said this. Oh, what's going on there? It's not going to be like that. Totally anonymous. And we can kind of talk about those and discuss those. And I think it'll be fun. We'll have some time at the end, so. All right, let's get into this today. So, Mark and Becky, thank you guys for being here. [00:07:37] Speaker C: You're welcome. [00:07:38] Speaker A: And you guys have. You've mentored so many couples and obviously lived, you know, 38 years together. What are some of the core principles that you found that helped build a healthy marriage? [00:07:54] Speaker C: Well, I think when we first got married, we really had no idea what we were doing, like most people. Right. [00:08:03] Speaker A: Amen. [00:08:03] Speaker C: And the thing about marriage is there is a book to learn from the Bible, but we weren't. We were Christians, but we weren't even, you know, following that example. But so usually get your example from your parents. Right. And I know I did not have a good parental for marriage. Yeah. And Becky did either. So we were kind of like on our own, just doing things as we could go. And we had children. And probably in our. Around 2000, Becky had this inspiration to say, you know, we gotta get to a different level. And you know, guys, when your wife comes up to you and says that what goes to your mind, you start panicking. Right. Oh, my gosh. But the Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart and said, okay. We sat down and she said, you know, we need to Go to the next level in our relationship, in our marriage. You know, we have these kids. They're taking up our time and energy, our jobs and that, but we need to focus and work on us. So we came up with being intentional was the word, like having an intentional relationship. And from that point, we just started getting into marriage ministry. We started reading books, we started doing, going to seminars, and so on and so forth. So it was really like just being intentional and placing our marriage, our relationship, as an important thing. [00:09:39] Speaker B: And I want to mention, like, most of the information, information that we're going to share with you today, we didn't make it up. We got it from someone else. We prayed about it. God put people into our life resources classes that we took. So it wasn't like we had to come up with it. It's out there. So you just have to, like, grab what works for you, but you gotta apply it. So I think that's the big thing. Like, we can read a ton of books, but you have to find what works for you and then place it in your relationship. So, yeah, intentional. I think the thing that we started to do was, you know, pray together. We read some books together. We took this class called Intimate Encounters, which really changed our relationship, which we can talk about a little bit more. But, yeah, it all worked once we put our priority to each other and not everything else. Cause you can get pulled away pretty easy. [00:10:41] Speaker C: Yeah. Cause the. [00:10:42] Speaker A: No, go ahead. [00:10:43] Speaker C: No. Cause you just can't expect a great marriage to happen. You can't. You gotta work at it. And I hate. I don't like to use the word hard. It's hard. Marriage is hard. No, we wipe that. Wipe hard out of your vocabulary. Because when we say things are hard, what does that give us? It gives us an out. That's hard. I just say it's challenging. Marriage is challenging. But it's a good challenge. And it's like. It's just the busyness of life gets in the way. I mean, can you all agree? Amen. Right. But you got to not let the busyness of life get in the way. Because, you know, this is the focus here. [00:11:26] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think a lot of times we go on autopilot in our marriage, and it's sort of like, well, it'll just kind of fix itself, and these things will take care of themselves. But usually in time, it just gets worse, not better. Unless, like, you're saying there's some real intentionality behind it and going out of the way to, you know, go on a date, you know, And I know like for Ally and I and probably a lot of people in our church, you know, it's like you got young kids finding like two minutes by yourself is hard enough, let alone like figuring out going out somewhere and money's tight and stuff, but you're making a long term investment in something that's incredibly important and it's worth fighting for and struggling for. And yeah, definitely. [00:12:14] Speaker B: We try to tell people the best thing you can do for your kids is have a healthy relationship. That's the best thing. Not sports, not vacations, just that you and your spouse, they see that day to day that you guys love each other. And if you fight, you work it out together, the kids will feel so much more secure. [00:12:36] Speaker C: Yeah, and, and that's a great question because as we were, Becky and I were going over this yesterday and she's saying, just hope I don't swear or say something bad like. [00:12:45] Speaker B: Okay. [00:12:46] Speaker C: And other things. Our daughter was over and she's 32 and with child, her first. And I asked her the question about that, like, what, what did mom and I do to like help or demonstrate to you? And she was, you know, she said it was like us being intentional, us, you know, showing, you know, how to have a good marriage, like putting each other first before each other, you know, know, just asking that question. [00:13:17] Speaker A: Yeah, that. Well, praise God. That's an awesome thing to hear. Yeah. [00:13:21] Speaker C: I mean, I [00:13:25] Speaker A: started, I heard it, [00:13:27] Speaker C: but I think, and I'm going to be totally transparent and honest, guys, it's, you know, your kids are important. There's no doubt. I mean, God gave them to you. Right. But they're not the priority. Honestly. I know it's counterintuitive to what society and culture and travel, sports tells you. Right. This is the important thing. [00:13:47] Speaker B: Amen. [00:13:47] Speaker C: It is. Cause you know what? One day they're gonna be gone. They all get their D1 scholarships. Right, right. Sorry. [00:13:59] Speaker A: Behave over there. [00:14:00] Speaker C: Yeah, but this is what you gotta work on. Yeah, it is. [00:14:05] Speaker A: Well, let's talk about working on that a little bit. Cause I know something that's hugely important to you guys is commun in ways that. One, you really hear each other. Two, you honor and respect each other and get clear. So obviously one of the great challenges of marriages is God brings two very, you know, two different people together and makes them one. So how do we allow those differences to complement us and not divide us? [00:14:37] Speaker B: Well, I, I think the big thing that we learned is that. And I won't take your thunder away from your little example, but as we, we Can't. I'm not going to change him. I am not going to change him. He's really. [00:14:52] Speaker A: Wait, say that one more time. [00:14:55] Speaker B: He's not. [00:14:56] Speaker C: She's not going to change me. [00:15:00] Speaker B: Not that we can't learn from each other, and we will talk about that a little bit, but I think when we communicate, we have to realize that our brains work differently. His brain works different than my brain works. And so we have to learn how to communicate with each other and listen. [00:15:20] Speaker C: Yeah, go ahead. [00:15:22] Speaker A: Can I just jump in on. So for those in the room that are in the dating world, just kind of what Becky said, I think is just an important thing to consider. Like, pay attention to red flags in relationships. Don't be overly optimistic. So when they're treating you really poorly or like, everyone you love is like, this person is terrible for you. And you're like, but I love them. Listen to their wisdom. Amen. Because they know what that truth is that, you know, we can't. Fundamentally, only God can change people. And you want to go into a relationship in as healthy a way as possible. And so listen to the wisdom around you. Pay attention to red flags and take that stuff seriously. Sorry, little interjection. [00:16:18] Speaker B: We suggest that you date at least two years because it's within those two years that the real person will come out. [00:16:27] Speaker C: Yeah, two years ended that, you know. [00:16:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:31] Speaker C: No, but the whole change thing, it's like, I. I've heard this. I'm not going to take credit for it is like, write on a piece of paper your name and everyone that's important in your life, and you write all those names down. And now go back and circle the name you can. The names you can change, the people you can change. Who's the only one you're gonna circle is who? You. That's the only one. And that's. And that's in, like, the book Sacred Marriage. Becky and I read, and in that book, it talks about God placing this person in your life, and he doesn't place that person in your life for you to change them. God places that person in your life for you to learn from what you lack. Because all too often we want to sit there and say, man, I wish my spouse was more like me. I wish this. I wish that. I wish they would change instead of thinking about what is my spouse bringing to me that I need to learn. [00:17:33] Speaker B: Yes. And vice versa. [00:17:36] Speaker A: What have you found helpful in, like, kind of giving that talk to yourself where it's like, okay, I. I'm blaming them all the time. Maybe God Wants me to look in the mirror. Like, just. Any helpful thoughts on that? [00:17:51] Speaker C: I mean, this is an honest God's truth. If I'm getting all up on myself in that, I turn and I say to myself, you're no Prince Charming. I swear to you, I say that. I do. I said, I'm no Prince Charming. You gotta humble yourself. You have to. I humble myself saying, I'm no Prince Charming. I need to think. What's going on here? [00:18:10] Speaker A: Mm, that's good. And I totally agree with that, too. [00:18:16] Speaker C: What did. I'm no prince, Darren. There's probably people that disagree with you, Chad. [00:18:22] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I won't hold my breath for those people. Good. We'll talk more about the challenges of communication and what you've learned and what you kind of help guide couples in. [00:18:39] Speaker B: I found this great book years and years ago called Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti. And it's a great book. It's easy read, but it really gives you an insight into the differences between men and women. So men are like waffles, which means you guys think in boxes. You compartmentalize things, right? So if you're in your work box, you're in your work box. If you're in your TV box, your hobby box, whatever it is, you're there and you're focused. And there's a nothing box, which us women don't understand. What are you thinking about? Nothing. What do you mean, nothing? Like, how can you not be thinking about something, not thinking about anything? And there is a sex box. [00:19:34] Speaker C: Wait, wait, what's that last box? [00:19:36] Speaker B: A sex box which is right in the middle, which is connected to all of the other boxes. So they can easily move into the sex box from any other box. It just. It's true. But I think that was just as simple as it sounds. I'm going to talk. I'm talking with the women. You can talk to the guys a little bit. Is that I had to learn to get his attention. So if I'm, like, having this conversation and he's sitting on the couch watching tv, and then it's like, he didn't hear a word I said. I'm like, what is wrong with you? You didn't hear anything I said? Or he's working out in the. You know, in the garage or something, but he said, you have to get my attention first. He's thinking in that box, and that's it. So that was kind of an eye opener for me, was just. I just need to say, hey, I need to talk to you. About something. Can I get your attention? And it. Hey, it worked. You know, he's like, oh, sure. So instead of getting frustrated that I didn't think he was listening or hearing me, I have to make sure that I tell him that I need his attention first before I need to speak to him about something important. [00:20:52] Speaker C: Yeah. It's just realizing that. Right. We do all think differently. And guys, listen up. Women process information more like a plate of pasta. If you look at a serving of spaghetti, you'll notice there are lots of individual noodles that all touch each other. If you attempt to follow one noodle around the plate, you'll intersect a lot of other noodles, and then you might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. This is how women handle life. Amen. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more connected, much more process for women than for men. And that's what guys. That's. You need to understand how your wife thinks, not look at it negatively. It's just the way they're built. That's the way they are. You have to see that they're built that way and, you know, work with it. And it's the difference in style from. That creates significant stress for couples, because while the wife is making all the connections, the husband is frantically jumping from box to box trying to keep up. You know, the kids box to the work box to the house box. But, you know, for women, it's just. It's all intertwined. And us, we're like, oh, my gosh, hold on a second. I'm just jumping out of that box. [00:22:23] Speaker B: But the good thing about men and, you know, this is generalizations. Not all of us think exactly like this, but it allows you to focus better on that one thing. And that's why you're a problem solver. You are in that box. Let's solve the problem. Let's get it done. And we're kind of like, well, what about this and that and this and that and this and the other? So it is a positive thing too. [00:22:50] Speaker A: Yeah. Do you think just kind of recognizing the distinct ways you guys think, it sort of helps. Well, to feel heard, number one, instead of like, okay, you don't communicate or think the way I think, therefore it's wrong, rather than saying, like, okay, yeah, we are different. That's okay. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna try and, like, meet you where you're at. Is that sort of what you'd encourage couples to think about? [00:23:14] Speaker C: We have a great video that demonstrates that. [00:23:20] Speaker A: It's coming. [00:23:21] Speaker C: It's coming. But no, Chet, you're right. Listen, stop thinking of yourself, thinking more about your spouse. 2. [00:23:34] Speaker B: It's just there's all this pressure, you know, and sometimes it feels like it's right up on me, and I can just feel it, like, literally feel it in my head, and it's relentless, and I don't know if it's going to stop. I mean, that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever going to stop. You do have a male in your head. He's not. [00:24:08] Speaker C: Are you sure? [00:24:08] Speaker B: Because. Got that out of there. I'm not going to fix it. [00:24:13] Speaker A: I'm just. [00:24:13] Speaker C: Just pointing out the baby. [00:24:15] Speaker A: The nail is causing. [00:24:16] Speaker B: You always do this. You always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen. See, I don't think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail. It's just sometimes it's like there's this achy. I don't know what it is. Oh, no, sweaters are smack. That sounds really hard. [00:25:01] Speaker A: All right. There. [00:25:07] Speaker B: You got the idea. [00:25:07] Speaker C: You get the idea, right? [00:25:11] Speaker B: Right? So a lot of times, that's for women. We just want to communicate, and we want to be heard, and we don't want you to fix it. We just want you to listen and say, wow, I'm sorry you're going through that. [00:25:25] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, that was for Allie and I. One thing that we had a lot of issues about is that Allie would bring, like, concerns to me, you know, stuff that wasn't going well, you know, in our relationship or life or whatever, and I would get really defensive. But I didn't think I was getting defensive. You know, I just thought I was, I don't know, you know, responding appropriately. But it would, you know, I would sort of get, like, defensive and amped up and heated up, but I didn't really realize that. And at one point, she's like, I feel like I can't bring stuff up to you. And it occurred to me, takes me a while to get things, sometimes church. But it occurred to me, like, wow, this is a big problem, and I'm totally creating it. So if my wife doesn't feel safe enough to bring something up, because I'm going to get defensive. And that was a very sort of painful growth lesson for me that I still want to do better at, because my natural reaction is to, like, you know, sort of, hey, you're coming at me. I'm coming Back at you, but it wasn't like that. But that's how I perceived it. You with me on this. And it just created this really stuck dynamic in our marriage. So I would just kind of just food for thought for any brothers out there or sisters that. It's like, when that comes, you know, you get amped up and just shut your spouse down. It's hard to get anywhere with that. And that's something that, you know, I've had to grow through. [00:27:09] Speaker B: And was she amped up? No, no, she was just. Okay. [00:27:13] Speaker A: Yeah, no, just me. [00:27:16] Speaker B: Because. Yeah, because we. So we're going to segue into what emotional responding is. So if someone comes to you, this changed our relationship. It really did. Learning to emotionally respond. And you can use this with your children, with friends, pastors, anyone. If they come to you and they're telling you something and it's obviously heartfelt, it's emotional. Whether it's happy or sad, your first response should be the same as theirs. So if he's happy, I'm so happy for you. If he's like, man, this was my worst day of my life. I'm so sad that this happened to you or that you feel this way. So you're acknowledging the emotion that they're trying to tell you, not fix the problem or say, wow, I had a great day, too. You're getting into their world basically with this emotional responding. [00:28:18] Speaker C: Yeah, because, you know, Becky, she. She would come home from work before we learned this whole emotional response. She'd come home from work, you know, she was a teacher and dealing with these crazy kids and would say, oh, my gosh, these kids, they this and that. I had such a rough day and so on and so forth. And as a man, you know, you just start. You start fixing things, right? You're like, okay, did you give any detentions? Did you talk to your principal? Did you do this? You know, Right. It's facts and logic, right, guys? I'm giving facts and logic, man. Let's get this. Let's fix this. But totally. What? She's pouring her emotions out to me. She's pouring her bad day out to me, and what am I doing? It's all about me. It's about me fixing stuff. I really don't care. But I think I'm caring because I'm giving her. What? Giving her things to do things to fix it, as opposed to saying, I'm really sad. You had a bad day, honey, that you went through that. I really feel bad. I feel really bad for you now. If she Wants to fix it, she'll ask me, but do you see that climbing into the emotion, that was a game changer in our relationship. [00:29:29] Speaker B: And then like you said, if. If they want it fixed, they'll ask, what do you think I should do? Or what would be your advice? Then of course you can, you know, give your opinion or help solve the problem. But until they ask, just meet emotion with emotions. Works good with your kids. Really does. [00:29:51] Speaker C: And also, I mean, if some guys are stupid or dumb, just gonna say sometimes they need a little nudge. Maybe. I'm just saying, you know, the deal, right, is for the spouse, usually the female say, I just need for you to listen. You know, I just need for you to listen. Listen to me. It's okay. It's okay to say that. [00:30:16] Speaker A: Hey, talk to us about the weekly staff meeting idea and tell us kind of how that's been a practice that has been really helpful for you. [00:30:27] Speaker B: The weekly staff meeting. We teach this in the intimate encounters class, and that's where we learned it is that you and your spouse set aside. Maybe start with an hour. Half an hour. He says half an hour. I say an hour. A week is not asking too much. A certain day of the week, certain time, you put everything aside, get rid of, you know, phones, outside distractions, and you just have a conversation. And while you're having that conversation. Yeah, your eye contact, one person goes first. You can talk about your week. You can talk about, hey, you know, remember when this happened and it really bothered me and we never really resolved it. This is the time to do it, okay? And then you let the one person speak, and then the other person reflects back what they hear. Again, you don't have to solve anything right then and there. Just listen to each other. I know that's such a distant concept, but we just suggest you do that. And then if you want to invite your kids into it too, I think that's important. But that you and your spouse are having good eye to eye, person to person conversation. [00:31:46] Speaker C: Yeah. And that's, you know, you turning stuff off, handing, turning phones off, turning TVs off and doing that. I mean, it shows. It shows to each other that that person's important to me and I want to listen. I mean, how many people work here still? I don't. But I mean, imagine going into a staff meeting, right? And you have your. On your cell phone or you're watching TV while you're boss and you guys are trying to, you know, get things going, right? Is that gonna work? No, I said, I mean, how Much more important is your spouse, Chet, to give that person that undivided attention. And like Becky said, that's the time and opportunity not to pile on, but that's the time to say, well, Beck, you know, this week when this happened, I felt, you know, disrespected or whatever. Whatever happened that you were hurt to bring out to them. And then that's where confession, forgiveness comes in handy. And that's where the work's gonna be done. [00:32:45] Speaker A: Yeah, I like that. Do you guys. Would you guys also kind of like, think about schedule and all that, like, what's coming up in the week and just sort of like making sure, hey, we're a team here and moving forward. [00:32:57] Speaker B: Yeah. And then like I said, that's we would include our kids and we'd be like, okay, what do you guys have this week? And then they feel important too, like, oh, we have a say. And just that we are all on the same page as a family. And then we always, like, would pray together. [00:33:13] Speaker A: That's awesome. I think sometimes it seems like with marriage there can be some real low hanging fruit, like some practices that it's like, okay, man, if we can devote a half an hour to lock eye to eye, to talk a little bit, doesn't even have to be great conversation, but. But we're just making it. Those things over time make a huge difference. And I think sometimes we just sort of maybe don't think it really matters or makes a difference, and so we just sort of go on autopilot. But I think the small things sometimes are the big things, and making them a part of our lives is huge. [00:33:52] Speaker C: And I think one good thing about the staff meeting, Chet, is being a man and. And is, you know, what helped out was starting them and Becky being able to talk to me about things that maybe I heard her, what's going on, something that I did. But it was a safe environment. And, you know, because guys, we've got egos, right. We don't like to be told we're wrong or whatever. But when we created this safe environment, meaning that she was able to tell me these things and I didn't feel like I was being judged. And that was so, so important to me. So what happens then is, you know, the first staff meeting's difficult and the second one's okay, but the more I do it, like, Becky a couple weeks ago says, hey, we need to have a staff meeting. You know, I need to talk to you about something. I wasn't like, panicking, like, oh, oh, my gosh, what did I do. She's gonna. She's gonna be screaming at me. It's like, okay. And my mind goes, okay, staff meetings means we're going to talk now. Judging, man. Let's do it. And, like, this repetition, and it really is so important. [00:35:02] Speaker A: Yeah. Awesome. Well, we are running out of time here. No, it's good. Do you want to talk quickly about the intimacy triangle? [00:35:11] Speaker B: Sure. [00:35:12] Speaker A: And then we'll hit some questions. [00:35:13] Speaker B: I don't know if you had an image. Okay, good. So when we think about intimacy, a lot of times we just think of the physical. But in this class, we learned that the intimacy, real intimacy, is connected three ways. And if you can be connected those three ways as equal as possible with the spiritual as your base. So we call ourselves Christians. We want to be able to pray together. We're serving together. We're reading the Bible together. We're going to church together. We're keeping that base strong. And then the physical, whether it's hugging, touching, kissing, the sex part of it, it's all part of being married. And then the third part, it has the soul up there. They call it the social, emotional part of you. So I need to be connected to him socially. I need to be. We need to talk about our dreams and our desires and do things together, have hobbies that we like, play pickleball together. So that's the connection there, too. So you want to be able to be connected in all three areas. If you are lacking in one, it's going to show. And so you need to. I mean, try to assess where you're at in each of those areas and say, yeah, we're really lacking in the physical or the spiritual or the social, and work on that. [00:36:50] Speaker A: I think one thing, Doc. Our lead pastor at Christchurch, he always says to guys, he's like, guys, if your marriage is in a tough spot, grab your wife's hand and pray with her. And I think that simple advice again, brothers, you can't go wrong with that. Like, I don't know what to say. Who cares? Say whatever. You know, you just. You take that initiative and you take that and you ask for God's help. What a great thing. And every one of us can do it right? [00:37:19] Speaker C: And that's real quick. That's what I'm doing now is. Or we're doing is. If Becky says, pray for me today, I got such a, you know, MRI or whatever, I'll say, okay. I don't say okay. I go, all right, right now. And I pray for her now. I do it. I've been Starting to do it at that point instead because. Are you really gonna pray later? Huh? Yep. Yes. No. It's really been holding me accountable, and I love it now. I mean, whoever it is, you know, if you say, hey, pray for my. Okay, let's do it. [00:37:53] Speaker A: Yep. Great. All right, we got a lot of questions in. So we're gonna try. Cause we're running out of time here, so let's hit these fast. But these are really good questions. So what maybe we'll do is put some of these out on social media, too, this week, because I want to cover all these. These are excellent ones. [00:38:10] Speaker C: Or the marriage booster next Sunday. [00:38:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Which we'll get to in a second. Okay. So how do you move forward when your spouse has done something that's difficult to forgive and let go of? [00:38:20] Speaker C: Well, real quick, Christ died for us, right? Does he forgive us? He forgives us. Right. How can I hold and have an unforgiving spirit towards my spouse and he forgives me, and I can't forgive her? It doesn't say what they did is bad. You know, it doesn't give it any validity. What it does is I can't hold on to that. What does that make me if I can't forgive? I want forgiveness from God. Grace for me, you know, Punishment for thee. [00:38:58] Speaker A: Yeah. Amen. Yeah. You know, and I think, too, that life is hard. Marriage is hard, and we make challenging chat. Challenging. Oh, yeah. I'm not allowed to say that anymore. [00:39:13] Speaker C: Don't say hard, [00:39:16] Speaker A: but. But I would say, too. Trust takes time to rebuild after there's wounds. And that's okay to go through that process. That is not against forgiveness, But I think it absolutely starts with God first and then moves outward. So along those lines, how do I forgive myself after I've made a mistake, even after my partner has forgiven me? [00:39:44] Speaker C: It probably happens to me. More nerd, to be honest. I look at that, Chad, as someone that it's so hard to forgive me. It's kind of narcissistic, like, you know, I can't forgive myself. Who should be able to? God forgives us. Yeah, it's. [00:40:05] Speaker A: Well, shame's powerful. It grips people. But I would say if I have a hard time forgiving myself, I'm saying I have a higher standard of forgiveness than God and that no one actually thinks that, but that's, like, what we feel. And you have to step back and say, listen, if the Supreme Court says you're innocent and forgiven, every lower court has to follow that ruling. And if the Almighty says you're Clear. You've got to believe it by faith. You may not believe it by feeling, but you believe it by faith. And you have to hold on to that because that shame will corrode you from the inside out. And I'm sure many of us know the pain of that. [00:40:49] Speaker B: I know Doc even mentioned in his sermon last week that Christ doesn't want us to purposely hurt ourselves to make us feel better. Right. With him. He doesn't want us to suffer. [00:41:05] Speaker A: Yep. Yeah. Okay. Couple more and then. These are so good, guys. Thank you for sending these in. For us singles, how important is establishing clear communication and discussing values before tying the knot? Should it take priority over everything else? [00:41:23] Speaker B: Yeah, I think for sure you need to have some deep conversations before you tie the knot and make sure that you are on the same level, especially spiritually. You know, that you have someone that has the same spiritual values that you do. For sure. [00:41:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:41:40] Speaker C: And it's not saying you're better than anyone because you're more spiritual. It's just. It makes. Life is challenging enough. Not hard, but it makes the challenge so much easier when you're both on the same page. [00:41:54] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:41:54] Speaker C: Spiritually. [00:41:55] Speaker A: Yep. Yep. Okay, one more. So there's a couple questions about, you know, two things. What if. What if I'm willing to work on my marriage but my spouse isn't? Or what if, you know, my relationship with God is moving forward and my spouse isn't? Like, just kind of talk briefly about either of those scenarios. Maybe some hope or encouragement. [00:42:22] Speaker B: I think there's always hope. [00:42:23] Speaker A: Amen. [00:42:23] Speaker B: You always have to have hope, even if you're the only one that's working at the relationship at that time. Just keep working on it. And like we said, we can only work on ourselves. So maybe that's a time really for you to do a self assessment and say, what can I do different to help this? Because again, you can't change that person. You can't force them to, you know, want to get help, but you can show them how much you care. And. And like I said, just know that there's always hope. You know, there's always. I wrote down a Bible verse. Hang on. [00:43:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:43:04] Speaker B: When you was thinking about this, All things are possible with God. Should have remembered that. But, yeah, don't give up. Have hope. Change what you can about yourself. [00:43:18] Speaker C: Ditto. [00:43:20] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:43:20] Speaker C: I mean, that's a real tough one. It's just, gotta have faith, gotta have hope, gotta work on yourself. You can only. Yeah. [00:43:27] Speaker A: And one thing I would say is being, you know, a pastor. I've seen God do amazing things. You know, I have seen it. I have seen spouses prayed into the the kingdom. So do not expect great things from God. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Keep praying. Do what you can. And trust the Lord to do what only he can do. He is faithful and he's good. All right, last thing. So part of the reason we did this today is because next Sunday we're gonna be kicking off a new ministry called Marriage Boost. And Mark and Becky have been doing this for a long time at our Columbia Station campus. And they're graciously gonna help us get it kicked off here. But just tell us a little bit about it and what you've seen God do through it and what it's all about. [00:44:23] Speaker C: Well, you get more of us, maybe we can get a little more detail than questions. But at the Columbia station, it's at 11 o' clock service. It's done the first Sunday of the month. And it's just like a topical open, like group. You come in and we have a couple that will lead the group, a discussion. One week, it might be one month on communication, next month on something different, but it's just somewhere where all, you know, couples just come in in a small group environment and just get a boost for their marriage. That's why we call it the marriage booster. [00:45:02] Speaker B: And it's pretty simple. You don't. It's not a huge commitment. It's just a once a month thing for an hour. But it's made a huge difference in our marriage and people that have been coming. [00:45:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Amen. And so just kind of when we think about being intentional in our marriage, like that again, is low hanging fruit. [00:45:19] Speaker C: Correct. [00:45:21] Speaker A: If you're in a tough spot today, come next week, come to it, get some encouragement. [00:45:27] Speaker C: Hey. [00:45:27] Speaker A: And if you're in a tough spot, you're not alone. Brothers and sisters, right? Every marriage has highs and lows, struggles. [00:45:36] Speaker C: I just gotta say this. Yeah. Cause we were teaching a marriage booster a Sunday and we're arguing on the way to church. I mean, we're in it. I'm like, we're PO'd at each other and we're teaching the booster that, you know. So we pull into the church parking lot and I'm like, just get out. I was just wanting to get out of the car. You go teach it yourself. I'm going home. [00:45:59] Speaker B: That will look good. [00:46:00] Speaker C: Yeah. And I'm sitting there driving the car and I'm like, ah, all right. I need to be here. All right. This is so like you said it's nobody's perfect. We argue like everyone else. [00:46:13] Speaker A: Yep. Amen. Well, thank you guys so much for sharing with us today. Yeah, it's fun. Would you guys say a special prayer over our marriages and families in church? Would you stand up as we do this? [00:46:34] Speaker C: Dear Father, I thank you for the gift of marriage. I thank you for the gift of our spouses. And, Lord, I just lift us up to you. Father, I know we can't do this on our own, but with you, Lord, you can help us through the ups and downs of our relationship. Father, I pray, dear God, that we can be intentional with each other, intentional with our relationship and wanting. Because I know you want us to strive, Lord. I know you want us to succeed. And in that succeeding, Lord, that we give you all the glory and honor that you deserve. Please help us. Father, I thank you for this day. And just bless us in Christ's precious name, Amen.